She texted me earlier this week. A bit later, she called. Then finally, she emailed. And, finally, I responded, just to tell her that I wasn’t yet ready to respond.
I’d been feeling vulnerable since it happened, and I didn’t trust myself to turn my thoughts and feelings into words. I knew my words could hurt her as much as her actions had hurt me, and I didn’t want that. In truth, I’m not sure what I did want. Maybe for it to just go away, maybe for it never to have happened. But it had happened. It was there. And I knew that the situation, by its very nature, was flammable; I didn’t want to add the element that would make it explode.
So I just stayed silent for a few days and hoped that time would begin to heal the wounds. They say time does that, don’t they? They say time heals.
Well, maybe I haven’t given time enough of a chance, but I haven’t felt its powers yet. My wounds are still wide open, and now they have begun to sting.
My first overwhelming emotion, following the incident, was one of sadness. I had been let down, and I was hurting. I perked myself up with a new hairdo, a new bag, and a reminder that I have tons of people in my life who have not let me down. But walking around with my new hair, my new bag, and my new perspective this week, I was surprised to find that, as my hurt dissipated, it was replaced by something much worse – anger.
And not just a dull irritation like the kind you feel when Cutler throws yet another interception. (Ok, perhaps that’s not so dull, but you get my point.) I am downright mad. Fuming, in fact, to the point that I’m contemplating setting off that explosion.
But I won’t. It’s not the right thing to do. And it’s no way to treat (end?) what, at one point, was a very good friendship. So I’m still trying to put some of my faith in time. Because I’m pretty sure I didn’t make up that saying. Whoever they are, they do say that time heals, don't they?
In the meantime, though, I’m not sure what to do. I am fuming mad, ready to watch something – even my friendship – blow up just for the fun of it. And I don’t know what else to do but let myself feel that anger and try, with all that is in me, not to act on it.
And hopefully, time will not let me down. I've had quite enough of that.
About Me
- Charlotte
- I grew up in Illinois and have been living in Florida for seven years. Although I will always be a Midwest girl at heart, Florida has become home. I really love it here. I started my first blog, "Charlotte in India" in 2005, when I lived there for a year doing a volunteer project. It was quite an incredible year and the time I consider the time I spent in India to be one of the happiest times in my life. Since my return home, many things have happened and many things have changed. In 2009, a new blog, "Charlotte in Reality" was born to document the experiences I was having right here. I posted almost every week for three years, until I turned 29 and decided it was time to focus on other projects. I also posted to "Charlotte in Domesticity" between July, 2010 and July, 2011, documenting my first year of marriage. It was just a fun way to keep track of our experiences as newlyweds. I recently started posting to "Charlotte in Reality" again, simply to document the experiences I had on a trip to Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland, and England. I don't know if I will continue to write the blog as the weeks and months pass. We will just see what happens.
5 comments:
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgive this person but get on with life. Anger only hurts us, not the other person. What's the other saying: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Just because you forgive a person does not mean you still have to be their friend, forgiveness is for you!
ooohh...Char, I love reading your posts. So sorry you are going through this. Even though I don't know the exact situation, I had similar feelings just over a year ago with my sister. Over time it has gotten better, but unfortunately there are still things that remind me of the situation. There was a great sermon on Grace Church's website about forgiveness/bitterness that did help put things in perspective. Here's the link, if you are interested:
http://www.gracenormal.org/sermon/bitterness/
Thank you for the advice, dear friends. This is a time when I truly need it, and I do appreciate your words of wisdom.
Sorry to hear you have been hurt and let down by someone who obviously was close to you. I know how you feel as I had a similar thing happen in June with a close friend and collegue. Like your friend said forgive and move on. If the person remains in your life you just know not to let them do it to you again and while you may not forget at least you won't be angry as it is a wasted emotion. Hope you have a better week - post a pic of you with your new hair!
Char: At my 45th high school class reunion this year, we were asked to write our greatest sadness over the course of the years. I responded that it was the death of my best friend. That was a lie. My greatest sadness is the loss of a very close friendship with a woman who lives 2houses away from us - and I am not even positive as to what happened. While I miss that friendship dearly, I also know that we can't go back and get to the place where we once were because too much time ahs passed.
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